Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in tomthesaint's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, May 25th, 2011
10:19 pm	Psst... I have a secret to tell you. I am a happy person. I often post about deep, melancholy and bittersweet thoughts, things that I want to put into writing which I then feel the desire to share. But if life is bittersweet, it is only so in the same way as chocolate, and who doesn't love chocolate? The truth is, I love my life, and everything in it. I am a happy person at my core, and I struggle only when I forget what is important to me and how I want to live. I suffer when I lose sight of myself, but when my body mind and soul are in sync I am overjoyed at the smallest of things. And the truth is, I believe all the hokey, sentimental, idealistic things I say, and I am ever filled with hope. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 24th, 2011
1:28 am	Coming home Tonight is a good night to write. ( Lets see if I remember how to do a cut... ) (Comment on this)
Monday, April 11th, 2011
1:45 am	I'm feeling nostalgic tonight. I suppose it comes as no surprise that this sort of feeling would bring me back to livejournal... The feeling started when I realized I'm not ready to sleep yet tonight. Then, I started listening to music and put on a playlist I have labeled "soothing". The first two songs were Simon and Garfunkel, who I really only started listening to regularly after I moved to Boston, but then it moved on to more familiar artists, artists whom I have listened to for several years... and now I am reminded of many things. Friends, general and specific. Sipping tea on my bed while the Binghamton snow falls outside. Walking home from the Roberson Museum in the summer, thinking of how thankful I am to have someone to come home to. Late night "brain-walks", sometimes alone, sometimes with company. My memories tend to focus on three things. People I am close to, general feelings I have at any given time, and quiet, contemplative moments I have to myself. I think that gives a good representation of how I live my life. Memories are powerful things. They can inspire, keep you true to what you set out to do, and help you persevere through even the most difficult of times. They can also detract, distract, and make it difficult to move forward. Putting them to a positive use is I think a matter of perspective. ------ I am planning to leave most of this behind and travel. I want to get out into the world, to gain a wider perspective and see what things are like outside this incredibly tiny sphere I have lived in. It is an odd exercise to try and conceptualize how little I know about the big picture. I know I have been privileged in many ways, that I have spent nearly every moment of my life within 300 miles of a point on a map... but what that all actually means I cannot say. I only know that I will not be satisfied with my life until I can look on all I've known so far from a further vantage. I need to go someplace else to appreciate what I already have. I hope that after that I will find a further measure of peace. ------ Living in Boston these several months, I have learned a lot, but I am not sure how much can be attributed to my specific situation and how much to the inexorable march of life. I've learned again to live without being surrounded by friends. I've learned to manage my finances, time, and responsibilities to at least an adequate degree. I've come to see better how much my friends and family mean to me, and what it feels like to leave so much I love behind, even knowing I can visit again. I've learned more about my weaknesses and my strengths and how I want to grow. I gained a clearer vision of the course of my life, even as some parts remain murky as ever. I've been given a dose of humility and my eyes have opened more to people I left on the wrong foot. I've also been lucky enough to see friends go to lengths to stay in touch with me, and I am trying to return such gestures in kind. Perhaps most valuably of all, I've had time to step back and simply live, without daily assignments or oversight, without constant pressure to reach for lofty goals other than how I choose to live. I've had time on my own to figure out many things - to take risks and try on different hats, so to speak. And through all this, I realize and reaffirm who I am and who I choose to be. (Comment on this)
Saturday, February 5th, 2011
1:53 am	You know, I'm not sure I'll ever entirely understand what can make one person so striking to me. Try as I might, I can't seem to reorient my world away from the thought of her. I'm not sad or pining or moping or anything like that... I'm curious about it all, and it is a tad bittersweet to know something so special is for now out of my reach, but I'm happy just knowing that the last few years have expanded my world a great deal. I've had my low points, to be sure, but also great moments of happiness, of satisfaction, and a few where I felt absolutely at peace with everything in my life. Many people helped me reach where I am today, but one stands above the rest for sudden, dramatic change. She showed me something that will forever shape how I view happiness itself. I wish I were able to more eloquently put it, to somehow capture the sheer meaning and beauty of it all, of her to me, but I've yet to find a way. (Comment on this)
Monday, December 6th, 2010
1:51 am	On my mind I don't post as often, on any blog, as I used to. That isn't necessarily good or bad, it just *is*. I don't think I do quite as much thinking now as I used to. I certainly don't do as much writing, or as much work. That is starting to shift back in the other direction though. I think that, after living a lifestyle quite different from college, I am looking to get back some of the engagement I felt there. I have had some recurring thoughts over the last few months though. I'll put them down here. I spend a lot of time thinking about my future, primarily the next two years or so. Actually, it might be better to say dreaming about my future. I don't have firm plans yet, but I do have possibilities. There are more options than I can find, than I can think of... I just have to decide which ones matter most to me and pursue them. Some nights, I stay up and just look at potential jobs. Teaching English Abroad, working for an NGO... all sorts of things. I miss my old social life. I miss having as many friends nearby as I did... but I am not depressed or anything. I'm fine, and in fact pretty happy, with my life here, I just miss the people I hold dear. I might make such friends here, but it will take more of an effort. I have been making progress, actually... but I do like to look back and try to appreciate what I had. I try to let it remind me of the place others hold in my life, and the place I can hold in theirs. Lately I've been missing a few people I never truly resolved things with (at least on my end). moving here, starting a new chapter in my life, has brought to light the loose ends left behind. Jenna, Desiree, Lena. The first cut ties with me, the latter two I cut off. I don't often push someone away, and never without what I feel is a very, very good reason... but I almost always do so with the hope that eventually we will find our way back to each other. That happened with Leah, and I am thankful for that, but with these three it hasn't, at least not yet. Realistically though, I don't think it will, and that is a bit sad. I've never been good at letting go, I guess. I don't give up easily. I'm content waiting for things to reestablish between me and Amy and Steph. That leads to another thought on my mind. I haven't been trying hard enough lately, at anything. I want to push myself more. People here... I guess they don't have as high expectations of me as I'm used to. I don't feel challenged or motivated like I was in the past - but that is my responsibility to change. I know I can, I just need to do it. I'll feel more fulfilled when I do more anyway. I've decided to move on from something I had been using as a foundation in my life - my feelings for Amber. I'm not thinking of her as much, not leaning back on those feelings, that hope, when I'm feeling down. That isn't to say those feelings are gone or faded, just that I try to use other good things in my life, other strengths within myself, to move forward. I don't think there is much room for that part of my life to go anywhere, as wonderful as it is. Maybe in a happy future. I've been working on my music collection some. I leveled the sound volumes and added some stuff. I should get around to deleting some things too... we'll see. The last two weeks were more tiring for me than usual. More difficult and challenging. More productive. I spent this weekend recuperating, resting. I didn't do much, watched a lot of tv and played videogames. Ate too much, worked out too little, but I feel good. This isn't a tranformative moment in my life, but it is a reflective one. I am content. I have a lot to be thankful for. I'm doing pretty well at work, at living on my own. I have a lot to look forward to and though I'm not making as much progress as I could, I am making it. I haven't found the relationship I've been looking for, or any new, truly close friends here yet, but I'm not alone. I haven't been reading enough, meditating or creating as I could, but neither have I forgotten. I think that I am finding an equilibrium, and for me that is a relatively happy state. As a person, I think I am relatively happy. There is a certain melancholy to me, but in an inspired way. I take both joy and sorrow and use each to appreciate the other. I think that is why makesmethink.com is one of my favorite websites - many of the entries are very sad, many are inspiring, but as a collective whole they each enhance the others. Besides, as serious as I can be, I also laugh a little at everything. I listen to The Sound of Silence and it brings tears to my eyes, but I also smile at the thought that it would be a great song to play during a zombie movie. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, November 18th, 2010
1:19 am	I've held on to certain feelings for a very long time. They've been a great support, but perhaps it is time to get up and walk, even if I don't know where the path will take me. I think tomorrow, I will return to examining Buddhism. I'll look into the merits of letting go, even of inspiration. (Comment on this)
Monday, November 8th, 2010
2:54 am	It has been an interesting weekend. I wrote a love letter, which I don't plan to send but I feel like I always end up saying this stuff anyway... played a bunch of games and skype'd with friends, and took a step toward looking after myself by setting a new rule with my roommate that she shouldn't ask me for something small, like driving her (probable) boyfriend over at 2am on a worknight because he is feeling sick with a fever and nausea. Though they may seem uneven and unrelated, each of these three carries significant meaning and challenges for me. (Comment on this)
Monday, September 13th, 2010
1:17 am	Reputations I haven't had one of my stream-of-thought entries in a while. Tonight, though, I have quite a bit on my mind. For your reading pleasure: ( Reputations ) One last thought - writing like this is a habit I've developed over the years which I often forget to appreciate. These entries are not planned and barely edited - I simply write what is on my mind as I sift through the concepts discussed. Writing these thoughts down helps me to organize the thoughts and make them coherent, and posting them here allows me to look back, and to share them. One of the unique things about these entries is that I will post things I am not proud of, that I would have difficulty sharing otherwise. I'll post honest self-evaluations and things I have done wrong even as I talk about how great people think I am. I do this because it is honest and I value honesty more than almost anything else. I also do it because as nice as people's opinions of me are, I want them to be accurate. I don't want people to think unreasonably well of me, just as I don't want them to think mistakenly badly of me. I just want them to think of me. I am only myself to myself, and that is all I wish to be to others. This is my attempt to be just that, to you. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, August 20th, 2010
11:40 pm	Might as well face it... I don't post here often anymore. I suppose this has become my repository for the thoughts I don't especially want out in the open, but rather shared with the friends who have known me long enough to hear about this journal. In that vein, my inner thoughts at the moment: I haven't felt happy this week. I'm not especially sad or anything, but there is a distinct lack of joy in my life at the moment. As I've thought of it, I've come up with a few reasons why: 1) The love I've held on to for a year is fading. A little over one year ago I met the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen. I had been alone, abandoned, and unsure of my worth. I had no sense of home and my support - friends, family, were gone. Then she came, and from just a few moments of speaking with her everything changed. I've since wondered if it was the circumstance more than she herself, but while it is certainly some mix, the majority definitely lies in her. She is possibly the most beautiful person (and I say this not only to denote physical beauty. As a person, a human being, she is more beautiful than anyone I can think of) I've ever met. She resonates with me. In the few weeks I knew her last summer she left an indelible mark which impassioned me for the next year. When I needed hope, I thought of how she came into my life, how wonderful I found her. When she returned, about a month ago, I didn't know what to think. Part of me feared I had built her beauty up in my mind and the real her could never compare. Part of me was hopeful that I now had my chance to pursue this wonderful person. Part of me just wanted the chance to be around her again. The situation as it is turned out differently than any part of me imagined. Initially, I was confused - she was pretty, as I remembered, and had the wonderful personality I recalled, but something was off. There was a feeling of "rightness" that had been there which was lacking. After a few days we spoke and I came to see that this was the case, and that the situation just wasn't right for the two of us to be together - and though I had spent much time thinking about the option, I didn't really want to pursue her then. It just didn't seem right. So in some ways, I'm exactly where I want to and should be. I have this memory and affirmed reality of a person so beautiful that hardly more than a moment with her has changed the course of my life. I have no rejection, yet also no broken dreams - I've felt out the situation and found what I thought was right. But still, it is underwhelming. There isn't a wave of passion overpowering me, nor is there a realization that she isn't who I thought she was. She is, give or take a few differences and rose tinted visions, but that person isn't the same earth shattering force in my life she once was. That love I felt has become somehow... recontextualized. I do love her, but the best avenue for my love is to be a great friend to her - to support her, to ask nothing of her and try my best to give her the unassuming love she has lacked and so deserves. It is the noble route, my Don Quixote quest... but I was hoping not to chase windmills again. 2) I'm addicted to love Studies have shown you can become addicted to the rush of love. I think that on some level I have been for many years. I've called it passion, inspiration, love, and more, but it is the same sort of feeling. Something bigger than myself, within myself, giving greater meaning and purpose to everything. Without it, I feel like I'm just stumbling through life waiting for my next kick. And here I am, in a new place, with a great job and the start of a social network... feeling almost nothing. No great love, no vision, no passion. And that is the root of this entry. I want something more. I want that rush. I just never thought of it as addiction until now. I think over the next few days I will try to get back into meditation and discipline myself - see if that helps. 3) I am not known here I feel like my roommate judges me too casually. She has an opinion of me without really knowing me, and this opinion is in many ways wrong. I don't like it, especially because she is my roommate. I've had people judge me before but they are usually ephemeral in my life and not really worth addressing. But my roommate? A person whom I'm supposed to share a home with? Her stance toward me makes me feel like like I'm at my home than hers. It isn't like these judgments are all that bad - she seems to think I'm a good person and such, but the fact that she judges at all bothers me. I feel like she sees me as a child, I guess. That is simply the other end of the greater issue to me - I am not known to people here. I didn't fully realize it at the time, but my reputation at Bing meant a lot to me. For the first time in my life, people had an idea of who I was whether they knew me well or not - but that reputation was derived from real actions I took and things I did (the difference between that and the roommate being that she doesn't have any real basis based on experience). I still don't know exactly what people thought of me, but I was an example of someone good, someone who was a leader, who really helped people, who got out there. People actually wanted to be like me. That sort of reputation was part of the vindication of who I am which allowed me to fully like myself after so many years. But here, no one knows me. I do a decent amount at work, but not all I can. I'm not running at 100% and whether they know it or not, I do. I don't do much else here either. I come home, watch videos on the computer, eat dinner, play some games or read, then go to bed. On the weekends I leave to visit people in NY or hang out with the same group each time. It isn't fulfilling to me. I need more, and I need to show more of who I am than this. No one here really knows me. No one knows my motives, my goals, or understands how I think. And the solution is to find people who will, but I'm still trying to figure out how to do that. I'm very good at making friends with the people I meet, but not so great at actually finding those people in the first place. Once I get a decent sized group of friends, it starts expanding through them, but at this point I feel stagnant. I suppose that in many ways this is a self centered and emo entry. I'm complaining about people not knowing how great I am, how I don't have the romantic love movies are made from, and everything isn't perfect for me. But the truth is, as much as I know I have a lot of good things in my life right now, what I really desire is all social. I want friends, I want love. Those two things, and family, mean more to me than anything else. Right now, I'm trying to figure out how to nearly start over as I enter a new stage in my life, and there are some stumbling blocks. I'm not hopeless and I believe I will be happy again at some point relatively soon, but I haven't quite figured out how to reach there yet. But as always, I hold on to my dreams. I keep my hope of finding the right relationship with the person who resonates with me, of having a group of friends I know and care for and who do the same back to me. Until then, I'll keep trying to improve myself and work harder and experiment in my search. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 29th, 2010
3:30 am	I went through all my facebook messages and deleted the ones I don't have any use or desire for looking back on. Now, looking through, it is interesting to see the flow of people in and out of my life. Messages from Lena and Desiree were deleted with the rest, as were most of the group ones, and now most of them are from Amber, Lacy, Jenna and Shaina. I'm keeping these because these messages actually mark significant points in my life (I have others, like my messages with Liann, but those are far fewer) and it is interesting to be able to look back on them. Of course, it fits well with my previous entry, but it is also interesting to look back at my own writing. In the fights I have messages of, I was more defensive and bitter-sounding than I realized. I was deeply hurt, but I can also more easily now see why people reacted poorly in some cases. I also see the way they acted toward me and realize that the greatest problem was not anyone being right or wrong but no one being able to step back and see a bigger picture. Also, I say really cheesy/dumb things a lot of the time :D (Comment on this)
2:14 am	I think part of being me is that time doesn't seem to have the same effects on my thoughts and emotions as it appears to on other people's. I can go a year or more without seeing someone and still feel the same way. Its notably happened before with Dan, Natalie, Deirdre and I'll find out in two weeks if it happened with Amber. This is despite massive changes in my own life throughout the time I'm apart from people - somehow, my friends and the people I care about always retain their place in my life. Most of the time, this is a very good thing for me. I'm not the greatest at staying in touch and I tend to be very busy, so knowing that when I do find time to see someone they will still mean as much to me is reassuring. Usually, it is the same for them. I think people naturally return feelings in-kind, so long as they aren't too much of a stretch. It can be a downer in some rare occasions though. There are a few people I care deeply about who I have been separated from in one way or another. Some don't like me or don't want to talk to me (despite/because of liking me... its confusing). Day-to-day this isn't an issue, as I have plenty of things to do, but when one of those people come to mind my emotional memory kicks in and I think about how I miss them, how I wish they understood that I never meant them any harm or pain, or how unfortunate I think it is that we are apart. But for all of them except possibly one, the choice to be apart was made by them, and considering how I want them to be happy, I do my best to respect that, and so I say nothing. It is worse when I know I've made mistakes with them. I can admit that - I'm not infallible - but they don't want to hear apologies so I don't see a way to make amends. I don't give up hope, though. I know I will continue to care, and I hold onto the hope that one day in the future there will be a chance for us to re-approach each other. That is another different thing about me - I have a long view of life, and I am very patient. If years are needed, I can wait years. I will wish that there didn't need to be a wait and will see it as time lost, but I will never give up on the possibility that someday in the future things might get better. Current Mood: pensive (Comment on this)
Thursday, June 24th, 2010
4:35 am	Summer Outline: 6/24- 7/8 – Apartment/move-in/settle - Write draft statement for graduate school, edit resume - Email Binghamton people about letters, send above documents + GPA and GRE scores - Work on leadership guide & Bing docs July (early, late)– examine grad schools, select 5-10 to apply to (some top, some middle) - Select faculty from each; read some of their work (at least abstracts) - Write individualized letters - Finish leadership guide, etc. for Bing - Determine PYD needs and set outline for service year August – Review letters, keep correspondence - Email faculty (Ask about their current projects, sabbatical plans, if my research fits with them, etc.) - Communicate with references, including that I am speaking with prospective advisors. Notify them when the apps open. Resend docs as necessary. September – Submit applications. (I should already have most parts written out so I can apply within 1-2 weeks of apps opening) - Breathe. October/November – Should hear back for interviews, etc. If negative, apply to more schools (use backups from summer list) ???? Acceptance and future! (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 23rd, 2010
4:04 pm	Just Communication This is an email I just sent to my Dad after we fought last night and he sent me a message today saying how well he knows me and he thinks I'm depressed and isolated. ( Read more... ) (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 26th, 2010
3:58 am	gaaaahhh tired... but I wanted to come on and check something. It seems that by being honest, to the best of my ability, I have lost the last vestiges of a friendship. Of course, from my view it isn't that I lost it so much as neither me nor her seem to feel committed enough to bridge this massive gap which has grown and try to start something new. Still, I did my best to tell her my honest thoughts, and I guess she didn't like them. I imagine that from her view my comments and even this entry are egocentric or cruel, but they're not meant to be... its 4am and I want to say something, and I decided a while ago to stop holding back so much. I can say that I tried. Perhaps not in the best way absolutely, but in the best way I knew how. I suppose that wasn't enough for now, but you never know who will come back into your life. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 5th, 2010
4:48 am	Sacrifices ( Read more... ) (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 8th, 2010
12:53 am	rant rant rant I felt angry tonight. Angry at my Dad. I had sent him a message about my getting invited to interviews for some teaching programs I applied to. I asked if he would help me arrange for travel since I'm sure he knows more about it than I do. I carefully thought out my message and what it said, presenting it as an opportunity for him to share his knowledge and wisdom with me and to assist me in pursuing the next step in my life. He was a dick about it. He said we needed to talk, that I haven't been considering my options, that I 'want' help but I never give him facts, and every time he asks for specifics he gets nothing in return, no empirical or comparative data. He has asked for specifics twice. About teach for america. After I told him I didn't get in. He asked me if I applied to any grad schools I've been accepted into. I told him a while ago that I would apply to my 3 dream schools, but that I was more interested in taking some time off. He seems to have forgotten that. Not only that, but I lied to him and never applied. I don't feel great about that, but I didn't want an unnecessary fight with him about it either. Now he asks me for a list of all the applications I've done, and a spreadsheet of evaluation data and my options. The man wants a freaking project when all I asked was for some help choosing where to buy a plane ticket and a hotel room. He says I want "support, et al." but I don't act responsibly and whatnot. He is right, I wanted support, but not the kind he is trying to force on me. I just wanted some modicum of approval, some "Hey, thats great to hear. Lets look into this together." Making this case worse is the fact that I didn't thoroughly research all the programs I applied to over break, as I just put in as many as I could and am *now*, as they accept me for interviews, researching further. I did this so that I could put in all the apps before the deadline. I'm not irresponsible. I research things meticulously before I make a big decision, as anyone who actually knows me would be able to tell. Ugh... I guess I got my hopes up that I might actually get something helpful from my Dad. I usually say with some measure of pride that I do things on my own and don't lean on others for help, but that doesn't mean I dont' want to. Especially from my Dad. The man is a tortured soul and thinks I hate him. He's rapidly pushing my other siblings away, and I was trying to extend an olive branch. Jerkface burned it. I want to cooperate with him but he's a domineering prick who acts like I'm a moron who can't do anything myself. I was literally just teaching people tonight how bad a way to interact that is. It just makes me want to do the opposite of everything he says and never talk to him again, as it just adds a bunch of stress I don't need without actually doing any good for me. And this whole situation is stressful to begin with. I've had a lot of trouble applying to things. Part of me really doesn't like having multiple applications out at once. I don't entirely know why, but I've gotten past that. I feel like my resume and transcript don't really live up to my potential as a person though, so I spend a lot of time trying to craft masterful personal statements. I really think I would excel in any position I am given, but I need to get past that initial stage. I've also fallen somewhat behind. I'm applying for final deadlines on a lot of things now, and everything is rushed. I'm really busy. I'm involved in so many clubs, plus class, plus research... it is a lot to handle. I hardly get time to stop and breathe. Breaks are always more stressful to me than school itself because of all my family problems. And thats the thing. When I graduate, I can't move back home. I refuse to. I cannot live there. I would rather stay up here and work at Wendys than go back home. I'd rather go to Uganda. I can never go back to living in that house, and while I know simply not going back is an option, I really want a reason not to. I want to be able to say "Look at this wonderful job I've found. I'm going to go do this, then apply to grad school". I do want to go to grad school, I just don't feel I'm ready yet. Not for the places I want to go to. I want the best, the very best. I want a place I will be proud to say I went to, and I want to get in on my own merit and earnestly. Right now, I'm not ready for that commitment. I need time, time to let all the changes of the past few years sink in. I don't think my father would understand that. I don't know what goes through his mind or what he thinks of me, but it certainly isn't accurate. Now I have to call him tomorrow sometime. I'm basically just going to tell him nevermind. I need to look at my options more. I'm not making a damned spreadsheet for him though. I'm deciding my future, not him, and I"M NOT ASKING HIM FOR ANYTHING. He asks like I'm planning to rely on him for the rest of my life, like I need him for graduate school and everything else. I don't. I'm trying to include him because he's my damned father and he should want to be included and I should want to include him. For just once I'd like to act like a half decent family, but I should have learned by now that that is nearly an impossible dream. I'll figure this out on my own like everything else. He's already made me take out loans because he's so irresponsible. I'll take out more and live with debt while finding a way to pay it off. My credit score is probably crap but thats because he kept insisting I use credit then not paying it and making all the bills go to his office. Arrgh! My life is so fucked up and so much of it is due to him! I want to be done with him, done with this. I don't even know exactly why I felt I wanted to include him so badly. I think it was because we didn't fight over break. For the first time in so many years, I didn't have a fight when I was at home. The rest of my family did, but not me. I had hope, maybe things could change. Maybe we could get along. Maybe I could show my Dad that I do care and I do want to be a good son and help him be a good father... but he can't treat me like a decent human being... Its really sad. So I'll blow him off tomorrow. I don't really care if he gets mad, which he probably will. I might even tell him flat out "I was trying to include you, but this is causing more stress than it is helping, so you know what I'll just go talk to the career development center." Which I was planning to go to anyway. I hope I never become like him. And I hope I find something soon. I just want to know where I'm going, to have some certainty of what I'm going to do with my life. I'm under so much pressure all the time, and even though I know people who just took some time off, got a job, etc. I feel like everyone is trying to pull me somewhere else and its wearing on me. All these expectations for me, and I want to meet them, but I only have so much time and energy. I'm tired. Thats why I want this break before grad school in the first place. I am a smart and dedicated individual, but I'm not superman. *sigh* I think I'll do some breathing meditation, then read, then bed. I'll get more done in the morning. (Comment on this)
Sunday, March 7th, 2010
3:26 am	There are 5 people who have friended me on LJ and I never realized. 3 of them appear to write in Russian... interesting. For all of you who like to read my blog, you should check out my tumblr at http://solidgould.tumblr.com/ I post my long rants here, still, but most of my stuff is on that site now. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
3:23 am	I don't want to be sloppy, dazed, unaware. I would rather miss out on 'fun' but feel wholesome. I have made that decision many times, including tonight. The alternative was shown to me, and though it has struck my mind I reaffirm my choice. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010
2:41 am	I've been making the changes I've wanted to for months. For the first time in far too long, I've remembered what it means to live a happy life. I got my hair cut. I started wearing the pendant that my parents gave me again. I hadn't worn it since they kicked me out. Something about it bothered me. Now I'll wear it again, with pride, and remember what it means to me. I'm going to get out there and just live my life in the fullest way I know. I'll take leaps of faith, I'll make mistakes. I'll cherish them. (Comment on this)
Monday, March 1st, 2010
12:27 am	( my ramblings again ) (Comment on this)