Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in tomthesaint's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, December 10th, 2009
5:15 am	For over a year now, I have been making a music playlist just about every month on my iPod. I started doing it regularly around may '08 I believe, but took my 2008 playlists, with the exception of November and December, and combined them into one larger one. I notice I tend to make most of them from July-January, and tend to have less in the Spring. We will see if that holds this year. This habit didn't start off purposefully - I just needed a way to sort out my on-the-go playlists and adjectives were getting unwieldy, so I did it by month. It isn't always a clean transition (some months have 2 playlists, some playlists I listen to for several months) but each was created within a distinct month. I like to look back and see how my musical tastes have changed, and I'm looking forward to putting my 2009 playlist side-by-side with my 2008 one. I think it will be insightful into how I have changed as a person, since I consistently listen to music I identify with and which I feel expresses my emotions. -------- Studying is a bit difficult tonight. I am distracted and feel like I'd rather do other things. I'm feeling pretty inspired tonight. I guess it is because the past few days have given me a renewed faith in the permanence of emotion, something which I wondered. Perhaps I am different from most of the people I know, or perhaps they simply see things differently, but my emotions toward people (and this is not just romantic, mind you) remain so long as those people don't drastically change (and I do believe people can change). -------- I should make a 'soundtrack' playlist of songs to play as I'm doing stuff. I sort of do that with my monthly playlists, but there are certain songs which have a 'soundtrack' vibe to me. -------- This journal has gone through several changes in what it means to me since I started writing in it so much. At first, it was a place to vent, to get emotions out, hopefully without hurting anyone. Last fall, I realized that it wasn't performing that function, but a new purpose for it emerged. As I went on my honesty-binge and tried to pursue my Stoic-Buddhism, I found this journal to be a helpful way to share myself. I could write my personal thoughts, much like before, but do it in a place where I left open the possibility of other people reading it. In this function, it has performed much better than I expected -I have been surprised, particularly this semester, with the number of people who read this. -------- Now, this entry was supposed to be longer, but then Stacey came by and we talked for 2 hours. Now is time to rest before tests. Current Music: I've Seen Better Days - Citizen King (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 9th, 2009
11:32 pm	I love the way your emotions play across your face. I fall for the honesty with which you live your life. I long for the joy with which you greet life and everything around you. But you make me wonder... All these things I see in me, are they for the hope that one day I will be loved too? ------ I realize tonight that when I graduate from here I will have spent nearly 1/5th of my life at Binghamton. I wonder, was this the best 5th? From 1-6 I was young and happy. Life was bright and colorful, and though I had few friends I did not feel lonely. 6-11 were darkening years. The beatings began. A new home. Bullying. Laziness. Getting fat. 11-16 were the low point. The bigger I got the smaller I felt. Utterly alone. Heartbreak. A broken person. But here lay the seeds of redemption and a new beginning. 16-21 have been my rebirth. There have been struggles. There has been terrible pain... and yet I have grown. I have become a person I truly like, and have found myself with more friends now than I have had in all my years prior. I have actually made a difference in the lives of others... I have real aspirations to be someone who changes this world for the better, and reason to believe I can achieve that. So yes, these have been the best 5 years, despite all I have to say about them. What is in store for the next 5? ----- I am at a time of change and I recognize this. I am lucidly trying to make that change a good one. I will not simply let myself repeat my old mistakes or let these same things bring me down. Unrequited feelings have been the most powerful force of good in my life. "Love" has been the most negative. Clearly, nothing has to be as it at first appears. (Comment on this)
3:09 am	Most people seem to believe feelings fade over time... but I haven't felt that so much in my own experience. Sure, I can come to terms with feelings, accept them, and they lose their 'power', but they don't just disappear. I may stop thinking about them as often, and they may not come up, but they are not gone so far as not existing... A feeling I had thought was gone has come back these past few days and reminded me of this. The people who have changed my life will always be in my heart. That does not change. The realization of those feelings may, but there will always be an indelible mark there. I just wish I had more to do about it. I can only try to have as positive an effect on their lives as they have had on mine, and if the effect was not positive, to not let it happen again. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 8th, 2009
3:22 pm	Rambles I watched a horrifically depressing movie about what happened in Sierra Leon today. I felt awful for hours after. Later, I was reading the news ticker in the dining hall. It said this: "At least 170 people killed and hundreds injured in a series of coordinated attacks, including two suicide bombers and a car bomb in Baghdad in the most lethal series of attacks in..." in... how long do you think? I thought a year? 3 years? 170 people dead and hundreds injured is quite a lot. Surely that would be big news, right? I keep track of this sort of thing. I'd hear about it, right? ...a month. The deadliest attack in a month. Sickening. ------ On an unrelated note, why does getting a wrap without meat cost more than one with turkey, or tuna or several other meats? It isn't as though I'm getting more vegetables, I'm just subtracting meat. Is this a vegetarian tax? What if I'm not vegetarian - I just don't want meat at every meal... Couldn't this be considered giving financial incentives to eat unhealthily? Gah... (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, December 7th, 2009
1:11 am	It is strange to think how music which seems to integral to me - integral to my past, is music which I only discovered two or three years ago... So much change, and yet I don't feel like a different person - just a different expression of the same core, the same motivations. I suppose that is life. I am feeling emotional tonight, and quite melancholy. I was frustrated earlier, but I'm over that now. Life is too precious to waste on being negative. (As a note, melancholy to me isn't negative - it is more of an ambivalence on life) So... how *do* I win you over? Current Music: Pictures in an Exhibition - Death Cab for Cutie (Comment on this)
Saturday, December 5th, 2009
11:18 pm	It is interesting to me that I can realize the same things which once made me lonely, acknowledge that they are still saddening, but know that the way I live my life now will help avoid such things and find comfort in that fact. I am ignored by some I care about, excluded by others and distant from even more... but I know that those who are truly important to me I can become closer to, and those I will not be closer to really aren't the people I should be spending my time thinking of. I've reached a point where I know more people than I can be as close to as I would like, and though it is always saddening to give up on a potential bond, I can at least do so knowing I am not losing it for nothing. There is always a brighter future in some regard. (Comment on this)
10:58 pm	It is nice to know that I live someplace where I am missed if I disappear for a few days. It really is. I like the changes in my life so far. I am actually getting out and actively living my life, instead of passively going along with it. I don't believe I have lost any of my goodness in doing so. I do need to get more work done though. (Comment on this)
Monday, November 30th, 2009
1:59 am	I'm back in bing now. I have a lot of work to catch up on... I'll do my best. I have a weird feeling right now. I should talk to a certain person. Installed Windows 7 on my desktop. Its 64 bit so it should future-proof the system for a while. I enjoy having a fresh start with something - choosing which programs to put back on, removing junk files... etc. (Comment on this)
Monday, November 23rd, 2009
6:00 pm	Its funny, too, that my SAT and GRE scores both rate as a well-rounded but technology-oriented student. I got an invitation from RPI (rensselaer polytech institute) to apply, free of charge, after they got my GRE scores. Boy, to think of the possibilities my life has had so far... who knows what I'll end up doing. All the better that I want to take a few years off. This world is become more and more complex and I need conviction for the path I am to forge in it. (Comment on this)
5:55 pm	I'm watching Obama's speech today on focusing our education system on Science and Math and pushing ourselves "To the top of the pack" among nations when it comes to those topics. It makes me think back to when I first came to binghamton. I was thinking of being a Chem or Bio major, I had been vaguely involved in the robotics team at my school, and I liked technology. Since then, I've dived into the social sciences and humanities, and it seems as though the world is losing its appreciation for such fields. Technology is exponential, while history is merely progressive. I've been looking up facts on progress today, and they predict a computer smarter than the human brain by 2013, and one more powerful than the computational capacity of the entire human race and to cost under $1000 by 2050! At first glance, it seems like science, technology, engineering and math are really the only viable fields of study, despite the fact that what students learn in their first year of undergraduate is probably outdated by the time they graduate. However, I realize that Anthropology (or Sociology - same basic field, different techniques) is actually becoming more important than ever. In these days when technology seems to be more important than human inspiration, it is important to understand ourselves and how we work - including how we integrate technology into our society. Perhaps I will study this in the future. After all, I do get along with nerds, being one myself! Also, Obama is talking about the importance of education. I hope I get into Teach For America or a similar program - I too believe in education. (Comment on this)
2:13 pm	So someone asked me out the other day. Sadly I just don't feel like I could say 'yes' to her - I don't feel that romantic "spark" I'd need... She is a wonderful person and a great friend and I hope we become closer, but its definitely a friendship-bond and not romantic. Gosh, I guess I know what its like from the other end now. Ah well... no one has really directly asked me out before. I suppose I'll take it as a good omen. On the other hand, I feel like I'd be a hypocrite to complain anymore =P In other news, I went to Albany with Amy yesterday. That was great. I'd never been before and she knows the area really well, and we had a good time. Then this morning I finally talked to Amber (re: I finally picked up the darn phone when she called). It was nice to catch up with her and see where our lives are heading. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, November 22nd, 2009
1:43 am	I'm watching Hotel Rwanda... a few years ago, the man it is about came to Binghamton. There was a screening of the movie, and he came to speak about what happened. I didn't go. What could I have possibly had to do which was better? I was so much like the rest of the world - I simply didn't care enough... I can only hope that I've changed. (Comment on this)
Saturday, November 21st, 2009
1:28 am	I am trying to take some time to let myself be happy. I think it is showing some promise - I have been more spontaneous and more inspired this week. I randomly go around helping people, and I'm making more of an effort to get closer to those I want to know better. I feel like this will be a much happier and more fulfilling path. On the other hand, I am a little concerned at how grumpy I've felt today, but I've been tired and people are unnecessarily dumping work on me because they are too lazy or not proactive enough to do it themselves when they should reasonably be expected to. I suppose in that respect I am simply become more.. normal about it. I slept after class from 8:30 to 1. Of course, that now means it'll be a while before I go back to sleep - whoops. I have a lot to be grateful for to a friend, and yet I feel most people don't appreciate her at all. It is sad, but in a way a pleasant reminder that approval from others means very little about how good a person you actually are. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 18th, 2009
11:42 am	Listening to Ingrid Michaelson makes me think of the possibilities binghamton once held for me... of all the lives I could have chosen. It is interesting to me... if I had the choice to choose where I am now versus other options, I doubt I would choose this, but I hold no regret for the choices I actually did make. I did the best I could to strive toward what I knew was good, and I've learned much on the way. It does bring to mind that I have fairly different priorities from most people, or at least did. I think this current shift is actually bringing me more in line with the mainstream, but I don't mind that. I'm not different for the sake of it, but because I just sort of follow what appeals to me. I went to bed at around 12 last night, and woke up for good at about 10:45 today, officially normalizing my sleep schedule after weeks of insomnia. I've refused to use sleeping pills and even natural remedies, and I don't even use meditation though I don't have a problem with the idea... I just felt I needed to solve this my own way, and I did. I suppose that is how I've lived most of my life - picking my own solutions and doggedly following them. Someday it will probably get me into even greater trouble, but then again it may not. One thing I've really been looking for is someone to solve my problems with, in a sense - that one person I will actually feel comfortable enough with to *want* to lean on them a little, even as they lean on me. We'll see, I suppose. Current Music: The Hat - Ingrid Michaelson (Comment on this)
Monday, November 16th, 2009
8:57 pm	Had a very interesting conversation with Rachel today. Thought about some of the reasons why I might be afraid of awkwardness. I think I'm on to something. On an unrelated note, I think I talk too much now. As amusing as my random facts and anecdotes may be, I feel like I'm dominating conversations and not giving other people enough time to speak. I really do enjoy listening, and I'll keep this in mind in the future. Also, please excuse my narcissism in the past few entries. I do think a lot about myself, but I also think a lot about others - I just think a lot. That said, I feel more comfortable posting my thoughts about myself, so that is what you see here. (Comment on this)
5:48 am	I can feel the difference. Even though I can't sleep right now, I feel good. I feel inspiration. I am getting new ideas on happy things I can do in my life, now. I'm no longer trying to live two years in the future - I am alive now. On an unrelated note, I love my country and I'm darn lucky to live here. I don't care how trendy America-bashing is; its a darn good place to be and we should be thankful for it. That said, it isn't without its problems, but we should be sensible in how we go about confronting them. (Comment on this)
4:03 am	Boy, that post last night was a long one. I think my tiredness and the fact that I wrote so much in the beginning did detract from what I had intended to be the main point of it: Over the years, I have not been on just one path, but several, and each time I have found that path to be less than what I need to overcome the obstacles I face. Thus, I have moved to a new one. I think that I am not at another such junction, though I am more lucid than I have been before. My last path stretches from about a year ago, when I first tried to 'rise above' my problems, to today. That path has served me well, but it has a few major weaknesses. One is that it doesn't actually stop bad things from happening. During this time, my privacy was invaded, my father repeatedly failed and disappointed myself and my family while also falling to pieces himself and my family kicked me out. Then, I felt a massive wave of loneliness I have never really expressed to those I missed. The second is in the response to these unfortunate events: in "rising above" I don't truly acknowledge the emotional depth of these issues. For a year or so, I have not let myself be truly, deeply sad even though truly sad things have happened to me. On the one hand, it has let me keep powering on, but as I wrote a few entries ago, sadness is actually a very important, and in a sense healthy, part of who I am. It provides me a sense of balance. The interesting thing here is that I was actually doing very well progressing on a Buddhist path - buddhists eliminate the highs and lows and, in theory, once they are gone there is nothing left but peace, which eventually raises you up. However, at this point in my life I realize I don't actually want that. I would rather be both very happy and very sad, with good reason of course, than neither. The third major weakness of my path is that it is too forward looking for me. In acting the way I have this past year, I have abandoned enjoying the moment I live in for these ideals of acting toward the person I want to be and creating a better future for myself. In truth, this is very similar to people who study themselves to death thinking they have to in order to get a good job or something, but in my case it is really more about being a good person. But honestly, I think I am a good person now, and though I want to become a great person, I don't think the way to do it is to make myself miserable in the now. Rather, I think I need to cultivate my joy for life while *also* doing good acts as I am able to. This is the path to inner and outer joy. And so I am starting myself on a new path. It is really not so different from the old on the outside. The biggest change is saying to myself "it is okay for me to be happy, and to even work for my own happiness. It is okay to do what I want to right now and not just what I 'need' to do for the future". I think this path will bring back my inspiration. I already feel quite a bit better. In truth, this way will actually make it easier for me to do what I need to for the future. I've always been someone who worked much better when his heart was in it. Just tonight, I spontaneously completed about half of my applications for the Peace Core and Teach for America. In my old mindset, I would have toiled over it for days, because I would be unhappy, forcing myself. Now, I do it when the moment is right. That is just it - a sense of 'rightness'. I will follow that more now, that intuition, and though my mind will still be a powerful guiding tool, in a choice between what my mind says I should do, and what my heart says I want to do, I plan to follow my heart. PS: Not to toot my own horn, but it is quite nice to be filling out these applications and be able to say "Yes I do have experience helping people learn English. Why yes, I have worked with At-Risk Youth. Indeed, I do have some history working with non-profits." Though I may have become unhappy in recent months, I have never given up my dream of being a great person, and my actions have indeed served me well toward that goal. One day, I will help make the world a truly better place. I don't know how, but I will. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, November 15th, 2009
4:49 am	My path ( possibly my longest entry so far ) (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, November 9th, 2009
5:57 am	inspired insomnia Not quite asleep, I dream. I dream of telling people the truth, the beautiful, moving truth. I dream of speaking to the counselors of High Hopes, of telling them how the organization suffered under leadership whose goal was to maintain, not improve. Telling them how nothing which seeks only to maintain itself can truly last, how it will eventually crumble, and that only be seeking to improve can anything remain. I dream of telling them how I admire them - of a university of thousands, they are the few dozen who have committed to something good, something they put faith in. They are the ones who have persevered, who have put in effort well above and beyond what they signed up for, and what should be expected. They now stand next to those who took the initiative to seek out the chance to join them, who will be the next generation of dedicated individuals. I dream of speaking the truth to everyone, of saying what is on my mind and not hiding. I dream of being happy again. I dream of smiling, giving a real hug, telling someone I love them. I have felt at peace today. I feel a spring in my step and an energy in me. I am rising. I feel joy in the small things - a silly joke, leaving a mustache and goatee for a few minutes when I shave, just to see what it looks like, spontaneously watching a bad horror movie from the 70s with my roommate. These are the things which form the true substance of a life. These are the little moments we will catch glimpses of in our memories years from now, which will bring a smile to our face and a tear to our eye, to remember what it was like to *live*, now. Tonight I realize that I am returning to the kind of life I want to live - a life of passion. A life I truly feel I am actively living, not 'getting through'. A life I seek to make better, not because it is lacking, but because all I have fuels me to seek more. I do not feel overwhelmed by what is coming. I greet it, I look forward to it. I do not feel eaten away by loneliness, sadness; I acknowledge and accept it as part of a greater whole. A whole I do enjoy. I feel poetic, not only in word but in action. Thoughts come to mind of sweet gestures, meaningful phrases, and all the flavor of life. Current Music: Every Moment - Rogue Wave (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 4th, 2009
4:11 am	Some late night thoughts: It is truly ironic that I run a crisis hotline, and also go to lengths to let everyone I can know they are always welcome to talk to me, but I myself don't really feel I have many people to talk to about what bothers me. There are a number of reasons behind this, but the one which sticks out in my mind is that I'm actually rather uncomfortable with how much confidence people have in me. Lets take graduate school for an example. Honestly, I doubt I have what it takes right now to get into where I really want to go. The programs are extremely competitive and highly dependent on 'soft' factors such as letters of recommendation, your personal statement, and language skills. Of the more 'hard' variables, experience is the most important. In none of these do I now truly excel. Yes, I could get good recommendations, but not the best. I don't have the people who know me well and can speak in enough detail about me. I don't have the personal statement which shows a true progression of my interests - rather, I have theoretical interests without any real world basis for them. I can't speak more than one language fluently, etc. Despite this, I have been attempting to apply to the best schools there are. Period. I've been shooting way higher than rationality would encourage me to. There is some justification for this - after all, there is a slight chance I'd get in and I wouldn't want to sell myself short, but the problem is I don't truly feel I deserve the spots I am applying for more than the other candidates. If I got in, I would try my best, yes, but I feel like I may still be hamstrung by some personal issues and a lack of knowledge in the area. I feel like taking a few years to spend time out in the real world would do me a great deal of good. Honestly, I feel like I'm too pampered for graduate work in Anthropology. I've never had to work a real, difficult job. I've never been entirely responsible for living on my own. I've never lived anywhere outside of Suffolk and Broome Counties. For a field focused on cultures and the global world, I feel I am lacking perspective. That isn't to say I'm considering giving up - far from it. Rather, I am considering taking a longer view on my objective: gain perspective now, and pursue graduate studies in a few years. ------ This may all sound reasonable, but I've sadly only heard it in the back of my head. From everyone else, I hear "Oh you'll definitely get in - you're Tom!" and similar sentiments. While this is a nice thing for people to say, it unsettles me because while they might believe it, I don't. I don't think I am special enough to get into graduate school simply by being me, and I think that at first glance I don't even appear all that exceptional. If the programs could pierce into the true me through an application, sure, but my GPA is relatively weak, my GRE scores won't shock and awe (though, according to my Dad, I have the GRE scores of an above-average Asian Engineering student... go figure) and my other stuff, while stronger than most undergraduates, doesn't put me above the 90 other people applying for each spot. Here is a crucial phrase - most undergraduates. Anthropology isn't a field you have to go straight into after undergraduate work. You can, and in many cases are encouraged, to go out into the real world first and then pursue graduate studies. This advice has come to me from Prof Holmes, who is very knowledgeable in the field and, though he may be inclined to dismiss my application for a number of reasons before *truly* considering it, I find his perspective to be the single most valuable one I've received yet - because it challenges me. I really dislike people just listening to me and having faith in me because it makes me feel like if I'm wrong no one will tell me, no one will see. The people who challenge me force me to prove myself, and I become stronger for it. If I can't prove myself, then it shows me I was misguided in the first place. Honestly, I think criticism (done in the right way of course) is one of the kindest things you can give to people. So, my point here is that I have finally, today, received a critical view of my applications, one which is well informed and advises me to take a minute and think. It wasn't an outright "don't do this, you won't make it" it was a "what is going to *really* set you apart? How are you building a narrative which leads into graduate school and beyond?" These are questions my conscience has been trying to ask itself, but has been suppressed because of this wrongheaded perception that I *have* to go to graduate school right now. Truthfully, I have wished many times that I would just apply for Teach for America or another such program and let myself really work for once and get myself together before I pursued graduate school. I am still very young and unsure of exactly what place in the world I want to pursue. I am less sure of myself than most people seem to realize - I believe in my potential and my values, but I don't know the best way to reach where I eventually want to get to; I just appear to. So, after one sleep-deprived day of thought, I feel like I'd really prefer to wait on graduate school. I think I would be better served, both in my chances of getting in and in my satisfaction of life, by going and really *doing* something in the world first. I could work on my language skills, get some practical experience and perspective, and center myself. Currently, I feel like I'm falling to pieces because, honestly, I've taken too much. To my credit, I do feel like most people would have cracked by this point, with all that I have on my mind (off the top of my head: family issues abound, not seeing my friends, longing for someone I feel is 'looking out for me', not spending time truly enjoying my life, immense amounts of responsibility for clubs and such, and the pressure of forcing myself to do something I believe I will likely fail and am not confident I'm ready for - grad school apps) Not to brag, I just think I'm pretty resilient. But as I think about it, it highlights how truly unhappy I have made myself, sacrificing my life now for the possibility of graduate school directly after undergraduate work. I have not been happy with my life for a long time. This I acknowledge. Truthfully, I'd say the last time I was happy for an extended period of time was nearly a year ago. This semester I've been desperate, overworked and stressed, this summer I was immensely lonely and sad, and the latter part of last semester was a sort of combination of the two. I am not depressed, and I am getting through, but I feel I would be much happier if I stopped forcing myself to go down a path I haven't truly embraced yet. So, my final thoughts on this are as follows: The 'Tom' path, in my eyes, would be to join some noble program and truly dedicate a few years of my life to a cause. I am young and idealistic and I want to save the world, one piece at a time. I want to get out there and really live, outside of this pampered and sheltered bubble I know I have been encapsulated in, and after, when I have truly measured my worth and determined what I want to spend *the rest of my life* doing, I will pursue graduate studies with vigor. Of course, earlier this evening I was mainly considering 'hedging my bets' and applying to a few grad schools just to see what response I get. I may still do this, but my heart honestly won't be in it. Still, if I get in that way it may open my eyes to seeing that it isn't as terrible and intimidating as I felt it was. That is what has been on my mind most of today. I want to take control over my life again and stop trying to force myself into something I don't truly want. I don't like this lifestyle and it makes me unhappy. It isn't me. I want to live the life I choose, even if it is a bit impulsive and roundabout. At least I'll be able to say I was the person I chose to be, and it isn't like I'm messing up my options for the future - going off like I intend would actually strengthen my applications. Also, if you are reading this, please sometime give me your honest opinion. I consider it a sign of trust and compassion for a person to tell me the truth, not just the good parts of it. It makes me nervous and self-doubting to hear nothing but praise. (yeah, I'm weird.) (3 Comments |Comment on this)